Spiritual Journal Set #5

Entry A - Lectio Divina Exercise: Hebrews 5:7-8 (NKJV)

Who, in the days of His flesh, when He had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to Him who was able to save Him from death, and was heard because of His godly fear, though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.

            Everything happens according to the sovereignty of God and the will of God. God created the heavens and the universe and causes all things to achieve His mysterious purpose. I am fully convinced that all human beings, the only entities with the capacity of freewill, are subject to this divine mechanism; therefore, we ought to seek God and His will in order to satisfy the Creator as His creation.  Jesus, the Son of Man, perfectly exemplified what it means to fulfill the will of God.  Regardless of bearing the incredible weight of God's wrath towards the sins of man, He intensely wrestled with His humanity and finally surrendered it to the will of the Father who sent Him to the earth.  His prayer on Mount Gethsemane is rather remarkable: "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

            This beautiful and extremely delicate prayer of submission is my personal maxim that permeates my prayers. In addition, I have been a fervent believer of Romans 8:28 which says, "We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." I recently struggled with trusting in God's sovereignty and faithfulness, as one of my personal issues did not pan out according to my desirable plan.  I prayed a lot, especially Jesus' prayer I mentioned previously.  When the result was revealed to me, I immediately sought the peace of God and forced myself to believe that His will was done despite its unfavorableness. I believe God helped me with breathing and putting myself together for the next few hours, but later on, I started to wonder why God did not allow this to happen and what might have happened if my plan worked out.  I was devastated. It was extremely difficult for me to stop asking these questions and to not feed my disappointment.

            Eventually, I realized that I was angry with God and bitter towards God. This frustration began to take root in my heart and destroyed my joy and peace in Christ.  How can I ever get mad at my loving God?  I could not easily accept this reality of my heart. Then, I realized that I was missing something absolutely significant in my attitude --- Reverence for God.  In the given passage, it says God heard Jesus' prayer because of His godly fear not just because He is the Son of God. God requires such deep reverence that brings us to submission and obedience to His will just as Christ feared the Father. This absence of godly fear probably made my prayer ineffective and ultimately shook my faith intensely during the course of this hardship.

            Father, please restore godly reverence in me. Help me to understand the convoluted relationships between love and fear, mercy and justice, and mortality and eternity. You said, "Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." I desire to grow mature and wiser by grasping a great sense of reverence for you.  Also, please fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I may be in perfect union with Christ. Transform my will to Your will and my prayer to Your prayer. I wholeheartedly want to fulfill your purpose in me while I am here. Please do not let my selfish desires hinder your will by any means. I need your help. Have your mercy on me, Oh God.

Spiritual Journal Set #4

Entry A - Lectio Divina Exercise: 2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NIV)

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

            In his second letter to Timothy, Paul describes people in the last days with a long list of worldly fruit as their characteristics. He mentions all sorts of sins such as selfishness, pride, greed, love for money, and et cetera. As I read, I felt literally nothing, as I was very familiar with these bad things.  However, when I reached the verse 5, which says, "having a form of godliness but denying its power", I realized that Paul was talking about Christians in the last days, not people living in darkness.  Then I read the passage once again as though I was looking at a mirror. The Spirit convicted me for taking part to some degree in pretty much every attribute of ungodliness.  Most significantly, I felt striking conviction with Verse five.  I believe I am a Christian and all my friends recognize that.  I do what a good Christian does and I tend to do more than average believers do.  I don't use foul language and I try to live a moral life. I have "a form of godliness".  But to be brutally honest, I am not sure if I really believe in the regenerating and sanctifying power of God.  I must confess that I have been trying hard to achieve godliness.  And it seemed to be working just fine.  I have prayed as much as I can, I have read the Bible everyday, and I have shared my faith with others.  But do I really believe in the power of God?

            First of all, I have been confused with the idea that God influences our determination to be devoted to Him. Thus, the actions derived from my determination are inherently genuine regardless of my feelings. I thought God's sovereignty played its role in affecting my decision to spiritual rituals.  However, by the grace of God, He exposed and rebuked my unbelief about His power that changes me and enables me to bear heavenly fruit through this Scripture. I believed His power with my mind.  I knew that God is almighty and created the universe.  But I did not believe wholeheartedly that God could change me to be more like Christ after granting me eternal salvation.  He not only revealed my hidden motives, but also helped me realize my lack of daily reliance and trust in Him by showing the miserable growth of my character and faith over the last few years. My heart broke at this moment.  It was not His fault.  It was my denial of His mighty power that has hindered the work of God in me. Soon thereafter, I became very fearful about the reality of my spirituality.  Maybe I am one of such people whom Paul told Timothy to avoid. I paused. Then I had to beg for His mercy and affirmation of my security in Him.  Through a long prayer of repentance, God reassured my faith and His workmanship in my heart.  This revelation is actually a clear evidence of His grace and love for me. From this point on, I desire to do everything with momentary dependence on the power of God and constant communication with the Spirit for it is the only way to shine the glory of God and display the validity of the Gospel through my life.

Entry B - Outside reading - The person and the work of the Holy Spirit by R.A. Torrey

Chapter X. The Indwelling Spirit fully and forever satisfying

Jesus spoke, "Whosoever drink of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst, but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."  Torrey depicts the Holy Spirit dwelling in His people as a well of living water that quenches our spiritual thirst forever.  Having this fountain of everlasting life, we receive not only eternal salvation but also true satisfaction and pleasure that is boundless and eternally effective.  It enables us to be independent from earthly circumstances.  Most importantly, the accessibility of this incredible source should blow our minds; the Holy Spirit lives in us all the time wherever we go. This lesson challenges my reliance on earthly activities for any kind of pleasures.  I have been relying on fellowship, music, different means of entertainment, and even worshipful concerts! But guess what!  I do not need to do that anymore. I do not necessarily need to seek opportunities for acquiring joy and affirmation. The source of unending joy and perfect satisfaction is actually in me.  I thank God for this amazing gift and role of the Holy Spirit in whom I find joy and pleasures that this world cannot offer. Praise the Lord!